A problem shared is a problem halved? Hogswallop. Balderdash unbound. I share my problems with you and it only makes me all the angrier that you may get upset about it, then that in turn makes me even ANGRIER. And trust me, internet, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angrier. I get all wordy and swear a lot and sometimes my IQ drops and I tear up my favourite purple pants and the cycle of fury lasts for days.
So please, read on if you’re prepared to tolerate the unbridled assault beyond, but I warn thee thus: you may never like Nintendo again…
Like I said, who I’m angry at, and the topic of our little share sesh up in here, is Mr. Nintendo. I may write for a games website but it’s not like I could be bothered checking who’s heading up Nintendo’s operations these days and besides, I’ll be damned if I’m not entitled to direct my rage at a fictional cartoon man, who I’ve uploaded a sketch of so you too can imagine giving him Chinese burns while swapping his sugar for salt.
|Mr. Nintendo and his spoils of war|
As a 3DS owner and quote unquote early adopter, my loyalty is met with challenge upon challenge and as you’re presently witness to, it’s all come to a head in this impotent online excretion. First of all, days* after purchasing my console, Nintendon’t (a HA! Paul 1: Nintendo, erm, well, about… 5, or so…) announced that they felt quite bad about pricing it so highly and that approximately a third of its price would be shorn away in next to no time so plenty of clever-clogs could boast about having waited.
“I feel like I’ve gotten my money’s worth. I know how much I wanted to pay for it and that’s what I paid for it. I’ve no right to complain.” Needless to say I was in a better frame of mind last summer. Soon after, Mr. Nintendo announced that he would personally deliver 20 free games to each and every 3DS bought before the price drop by way of compensation, and that those purchased after the official date of the price drop would get nothing.
Except for the fact that several retailers lowered the price early to get the drop on their competitors so a few thousand thousand lucky punters managed to get the console at the reduced price AND benefit from the selection of NES and GBA games later offered. NOT. COOL. NINTENDO.
Fast forward a few months and to the launch of the Metallic Red 3DS, easily the coolest thing since sliced Fonzie and yet another reason in the great BIG book of reasons to resent those Japanese cats for apparently revelling in every opportunity to make me regret spending money on their products. Still, it’s not like it was a super limited edition based on one of the greatest ever games, right?
Fair enough. Right? RIGHT?
ZELDA 3DS. As the yoof are wont to cry, FML (as I am over 18 years old, I am reliably informed I have no right to know its true definition). This was getting ludicrous. During this time, the first ten ‘3DS Ambassador’ titles were released, and I played maybe three of them for no more than ten minutes as after all, the last thing I want to do with my 3D games console/ technological revolution is play NES games from close to thirty years ago on it.
Rumours abound of an impending E3 announcement about a second model of the machine likely to incorporate the second control stick and extra shoulder buttons of the soon-to-be-released Circle Pad Pro, and don’t even get me STARTED on that little gizmo. Its very existence is further raspberry-blowing evidence that Mr. Nintendo sold me an uncompleted product for a third more than it was worth. This is perhaps the greatest insult of all, this realisation that my most trusted brand was as fallible as the rest of the greedy West and in the end wanted nothing more than to entertain me as a byproduct of milking me dry.
The Christmas release of the remaining Ambassador games (and when it comes to Ken Nintendo [that’s right: I’ve given him a first name AND used brackets within brackets], I am an ambassador only for hatred) served to soothe the wild beast a tad. Who’d argue with the unarguably perfect Mario Vs. Donkey Kong for free? Well, I would, seeing as I had to pay somewhere north of half a hundred English Pounds to get it, for free. And also, that’s what this article is.
Don’t worry, the affrontery continues unabashed on and into 2012. So far, Konami has revealed their (admittedly handbaggish) snakeskin 3DS to coincide with the y-front-soakingly exciting release of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater 3D, and although you have to enter a competition to stand a chance of getting one, you still have to PAY for the machine (manufactured by weeping children at gunpoint, courtesy of the cruelty prone Ken S. Nintendo). The BALLS of this company!
Most recently (I’m talking today, people), I’ve noticed the 3DS’ E-Shop is offering free copies of Kid Icarus (in 3D, natch) for those who register two of something like ten select 3DS titles in the month of January. I’ve registered three of these titles already, as lately as November last year. Am I eligible for my copy of Kid Icarus, having paid full price for brand new, first-hand copies of these games within a week each of their respective releases?
Am I fuck.
Spaced out over the course of a few years, the worst of these offences are forgiveable, but within less than twelve months of the launch of the console so many unadvertised opportunities and planet-wide-of-the-mark misfires are sorely felt. Have I enjoyed so far my time with the machine? Absolutely. Super Mario 3D Land is among the best games I’ve ever played, period, and the future’s looking brighter by the month. I shouldn’t have to weigh the pros against the cons, though, and the sheer weight of the latter is what…sniff…it’s what hurts the most.
Bottom line? I am not respected by Ken S. Nintendo, possibly because I am not 23 millimetres wide, 3 millimetres deep and made mostly from copper with an artful profile of our lady Queen across my perfectly circular fizzog. I am not respected by Ken S. Nintendo, possibly because the money I scrimped and saved and starved my children to earn has since paid for one hundredth of his latest jetski. I am not respected by Mr. Ken S. Nintendo despite years of advocacy, loyalty, trust and devotion. Why? Because I am no longer a pound, and already spent.
Oh, and the S? It stands for SATAN.
*In fairness, it was weeks, but weeks are made of days, so technically it’s not like I’m lying or anything…
For more misappropriated anger at hardly deserving subjects, check out Rambleast at your own risk.